Laughter is the next best thing to sex!

Yesterday I had a lovely time with an Italian man, I will call him 'S', who was an excellent.companion in horizontal pursuits!  Anyway, we had some fun and then whilst we were lying naked together he suddenly looked at me and said, 'oh, I forgot to mention that on the way to the hotel I did look for youjr virginity but I have not found it'. It was a funny moment and very revealing. He was an avid reader of my blogs!

 I am beginning to realise that much of this blog's readership is Italian. This is very good for me and I hope it will also help my Italian readership practce their English. I am providing a reputable service!

Now one of the hardest things to understand in a second language is humour. Often humour includes words that have double meanings or it uses a lot of slang. So there are lots of things to make it confusing. So today, as the weather has been awful lately, I will include some of the jokes that make me laugh and hopefully you will enjoy too!


Here is a good one for any Italian, it has religion and sex!!!!!

A woman went to her priest with a problem. "Father, I have two female parrots, and they only know how to say one thing. All they ever say is, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?"

"That's terrible!" exclaimed the priest. "But I think I can help. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male parrots whom I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and quietly praying in their cage. The woman put her two female parrots in the cage with the male parrots. The females said, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?"

One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed "Put those beads away, our prayers have been answered!" 

Any good?

Here is an awful joke!

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker? 

A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again

And here is another

A Chinese man arranges for a hooker to come to his room for the
evening. Once in the room they undress, climb into bed, and go at
it.

When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window,
takes deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side,
jumps back into bed with the hooker and commences to repeat the
performance.

The hooker is impressed with the gusto of the second encounter. When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker and starts again.
The hooker is amazed as this sequence is repeated four times. During the fifth encore, she decides to try it herself.
So when they are done she jumps up, goes to the window and takes a
deep breath of fresh air, dives under the bed...and finds four
Chinese men.



And finally,

Escort girl riddle

Do you know why there is no hair around a whore's pussy ? 

Well have you seen grass growing on a highway ?

So if there is anyone wanting to cum and tell me a few jokes then get in touch. 

dariax@hotmail.co.uk

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It's raining men!!!!!!

I woke up this morning to the sound of heavy rain. As well as the rain there was thunder and lightning. The house rocked! It was both exciting and comforting. Exciting because nature when at full force is amazing and comforting as I was in bed looking out a the spectacle from a very cosy, warm position.

However, it got me thinking about the weather and sex. Does anyone get turned on by fucking in the rain for example? It would be a wonderful weather report:

'Today in Ostia we are expecting heavy downpours so Daria get your knickers off!'

So as I watched the rain splash away I also lay thinking about the best weather to have sex in.

Rain

Rain could be nice. The temperature would have to be pleasant, a bit like todays, but the idea of having water cascade over my body as I was fucked is quite erotic, It would be like nature's bukkake!

And thanks to Ron we have the wonderful lyrics:

"some people love in the parlour

some in Lovers Lane

but I make love in the wee small hours

when it's pouring down with rain"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SUfsuomKS8g


Wind

Now wind does nothing for me. Neither the wind coming out of me nor the wind blowing outside gives me erotic thoughts. Wind would only be useful if you wanted to be an exhibitionist. You could blame the weather for showing the world what you have got. So maybe wind could be erotic!!!!

Snow

Snow is always romantic and exciting until you are in it, then reality sets in as it is bloody cold. However, being next to a warm fire, naked and it snowing outside could be really good fun and I am sure I would hot up very soon!

Fog

Fog is an interesting one. Fog is usually around in horror movies and it conjures up scary events. Nonetheless, being in a mist and having hands grope me could be kind of erotic. Scary and exciting at the same time!

And finally........drum beat please..........sun!!!!

Yes, anyone who has read these blogs will know I like the sun and like to go naked in the sunshine. I love being fucked in the sunshine. However, if I am going to get my tan as well as my fuck I would have to take up a particular position where I was always on top !!!

So if there is anyone wanting to check out the weather with me get in touch!

dariax@hotmail.co.uk

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Now where did I put it?

Now where did I put it? It must be somewhere close

I've looked in most places and have nothing to note

Is it under the sofa ? Or under the bed?

Or is it something unspoken? And just in my head?

Now where did I put it? It's too valuable to lose

It could cost me a marriage or a family feud

Is it left in the car ? Or on the pool table next door?

Is it on top of the washing machine? Or just on the floor?

Now where have I put it? It seems nowhere in sight

I treasured it once and then came the fright

Is it in somebody's pocket? Or on somebody's lips?

Is it stayed in a memory ? Or cashed in for some quips?

So if someone out there comes upon my virginity
Can they return it to me when in my vicinity!!!

Seek and you will find!

Any help will be much appreciated.

dariax@hotmail.co.uk

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Cannot speak now as I am all tied up!

I wrote a few weeks ago about an adventure I had with someone who wanted to tie me up and to fill my holes with specially formulated sex objects. I was not totally comfortable with the situation. The man was wonderful and he was also very caring but I did not know him well enough.

 It is difficult on a first meet to play these sort of games. I think it must be difficult for both partners. Nonetheless, I am very happy to explore new ways of enjoying sex and do have a desire to be taken to places I have never been.

Lately I have been having some lurid dreams about bondage. They re exciting dreams where I am trussed up in a way that my captor has my body to do what he wants with.

It is both frightening and also exciting. These two emotions are good friends!

One dream I have had is where I am tied up and left in a strange place. Here I await a passer by who can either subject me to more abuse or free me. Here I am both excited and also extremely scared. And if I am to be honest I am not sure which I would prefer! And here lies the dilemma for most females. Do they want the caring man or the uncaring one? Do they want the man who takes care of them and treasures them or the man who simply uses them?

And to be truthful most women want both! And it is difficult to find this in one man. So if a woman is constantly used and treated badly she will crave a loyal,caring man. And if she is loved and treated like a princess she will often seek out the man who  will pull her hair and make her do things her life partner would never consider.

So I can be a slut but I can also be Cleopatra. I can be tied up but I can also be fanned. I can be fucked roughly but I can also be fucked lovingly.I can enjoy gentle kisses but also orgasm when being fucked and kissed hard and with the tongue swishing around in my mouth.

Humans crave new experiences and enjoy new adventures that is why we are so different from other animals. We are animals! We can bite and we can cuddle. We can fight and we can caress. We can pull hair and we can stroke hair. We can be captors and captives. We can be!

So if there is anyone wanting to explore or to be explored then get in touch.

dariax@hotmail.co.uk

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Sunbathing more and writing more!

A dear friend rang me the other day to ask how I was, but also to mention that he noted I was writing more recently. I think he had an idea that I was stuck indoors tapping away on a keyboard. Well, he can be reassured that this is not the case. As a result of modern technology I can do both at the same time. I can get tanned and tap away on my keyboard all at the same time. And it is wonderful to do so!

Writing and sunbathing has many pluses. I can listen to people and they give me my ideas.

Today for example the man who brings me a drink, Mustapha, reported that Ramadan was over and Eid was underway. Eid he explained was party time and a bit like Christmas. Mustapha appears to like chatting to me as I don't wear any clothes.

He does not ogle but I can see he is very happy to be close. I like Mustapha as do many others on the beach.He smiles, he is welcoming and he provides an excellent service.

As I chat away to Mustapha I notice Angelo loping along giraffe like. Angelo has a disability, probably caused by polio, he is tall, very thin and has a hollow chest. He is on the beach every day. He chats away with everyone. He is a very enchanting man and I cannot stop watching him when he walks. He is both elegant and extemely unusual. Angelo has a very slow way of talking. He is not stupid, far from it. He has a great wit. I heard him the other day talking to two young women from Milan. The conversation went something like this.

Angelo 'I could not help hearing your accent, you are from Milan?'

Woman 'Yes, is it so obvious?'

Angelo 'Yes!'

Woman 'Do you have a problem with Milan?'

Angelo 'No, not at all. Great things come out of Milan.'

Woman 'They do? Such as?'

Angelo 'The fast train to  Rome'

He had wonderful timing and both women's faces looked totally perplexed. I had to smother a laugh and pushed my face into my towel.

Mustapha was hanging around at the time. His limited Italian did not allow him to enjoy the banter. As I looked at Mustapha I began to dredge my memory banks for the number of moslems I had played with. In Rome this has been a total of 1.A lovely man used to visit me with an armful of chocolates and flowers. He treated me like a princess and I was a little embarrassed about the attention he paid to me. But I enjoyed it!

The UK, however, was the place I met the most moslem playmates.One in particular was a wonderfully generous man who owned a very popular local restaurant. He used to send his workers around with take aways when he knew I was at my flat. However, he became very possessive and wanted me to be available just for him when he wanted me. I told him that this was not possible as I was an escort but also had a personal life too and I did not want to be waiting at the end of a phone just for him. He took it badly and never visited me again. Such is life!

About the same time I had a young man from Bahrain visit me on a regular basis. He was studying at the local college. He was handsome and intelligent but very naive when it came to sex. He used to visit on a weekend when there were no classes and he was always extremely excited. No sooner was he in the door when he was pilling my clothes off. Now a bit of rough sex is fine but you need to build up to it and it needs to be done when the woman needs it. This young man was rough but too rough. My breasts were sore after a few minutes and I had to teach him the ways of enjoyable, mutually satisfying sex. And so he had lessons at the weekend too!!!! And I gave him plenty of homework!

So the beach is a great place to write and allow the memory banks to take you back to things that happened in the past. I am brown all over and I am very happy to show vsitors how brown I am.

dariax@hotmail.co.uk

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Fruit and sex! And I don't just mean bananas! And vegetables too!

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Fanny farts and wind!

Last night was amazingly stormy. I was awake most of the night listening to things flying around outside! Ostia area does get some incredible storms. These are often in spring and autumn but summer does get them too. And last night did we get one!

So as we had incredible winds here I thought I would devote this blog to 'wind'. 'Wind' is usually a great indicator that you are comfortable with someone. You very rarely fart in public and try you best not to fart in front of strangers. However, it is not unusual to let rip with a very good friend. And maybe that is how it should be!

Wind comes out of your bottom and out of your mouth. The names for these are not often taught in English classes but I think they should as they are freely used in English speaking countries. So for those who do not know the name for wind coming out of your mouth, it is called a 'belch' or a 'burp'. The other end is called 'wind' 'fart' 'passing wind' or 'let one'. There are many more as English has a ton of words for everything.

Now there are people who do request a service where you fart into their face. I have never had this request but a friend of mine has. Now as I have mentioned many times I am not one to question people's likes and dislikes.

As long as nobody is getting hurt and everyone is in agreement then get on with it. However, I am always in wonder at how you could do these things to order. Can you imagine crouching over someone's face and screeching, 'Hang on a minute, it is coming!'. I would be in stitches of laughter and could not take the game seriously and so it would probably be a disaster.

One area where wind is emitted and again you have little control is the vagina. This is often called a 'fanny fart' or 'love puff'. American readers can let me know what it is called in American English as I do know the fanny is the bottom in the USA and not the vagina!

Here is a definition of a fanny fart.

Fanny farts (frump/queef)

All women do it at some time, usually at the most inappropriate times. Fanny farts 

are not the same as your usual fart, they are made up of air and not stinky gas 

(as no gas is produced ‘down there’), and they’re released from the vagina, 

not the bottom. During sex, air in the vagina gets compressed and is then forced 

out at high pressure (often following the removal of the penis/dildo etc). While they 

might not stink like normal farts, they do make the funniest, loudest, kill-the-moment 

noises ever.

Best way to deal with it: Laugh it off – together.

Now I must admit I do not do fanny farts. So anyone visiting me do not expect any. However, I used to do a double act with a very good female friend and she did amazing fanny farts. Loud and long! I was embarrassed but my friend and the man she was playing with just played on.

It would be interesting to read any stories readers have on this subject. I am incredibly interested in what happens during sex games and when people lie naked together.

dariax@hotmail.co.uk

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Are you having me on?

Because my mobile phone number is very visible in many places I do get some strange calls and messages. I have learnt to sieve through the real to the 'having me on' calls etc. But I still make mistakes and one thing I don't want to do is to be slightly abrupt to someone who is a bona fide caller. I mean what person would not get a little irate when for the 5th time on the same day I am asked the same details from the same person. I am able to remember voices and I do have the know how to record calls. So in the main I know who wants to see me and who wants a wank or to play around!

Nonetheless, I do make mistakes and I am always willing to learn. My usual format for meeting new people is to make sure they reveal their number. I will discuss things on text messages but I always want to hear a voice before I arrange a meeting. This is for my safety. People who have been before are not a problem, that's if they were friendly and good company. So for a few days I had been getting messages from a guy who said he could not call me as he was deaf. Now my first reaction was 'pull the other one'! But then I started to get e-mails too.

I then began to think what if this person was deaf and I was treating him so badly and not meeting his needs as I should be doing. Part of me hoped that he would find someone else or just get too tired of messaging me. But he did not, he persisted.

In the end I decided to meet by text messages only. This was a unique experience for me and I was a little concerned. In the end I decided to meet at a local hotel that I use. I could easily give this address without too much concern and if he failed to turn up it was not far to go home.

The meeting was for 9pm and it was going to be a 2 hour meeting. I arrived in the car park at the agreed time and there was a man waiting outside- He was the only man there and he looked my way and so I waved and he waved back. He was my man!

Well, in the end all my concerns were not warranted. He was deaf and he did speak in a different way but we communicated freely and it was an extremely enjoyable meet. He was everything a woman would want. He was caring, he was gentle, he was considerate, he was amorous, he was loving and he got hard in the right places. He was also excellent company and had a great sense of humour.

So what is the moral here? I think you should have rules in your life but now and again these may need to be broken. Rules are only guidelines, they are the signposts that help you make decisions. But if I had stuck by rules I would never have met this lovely man!

So I am starting to learn sign language and my first sign I will learn is 'fuck me' and then 'thank you'!

So if you do want to break some rules then get in touch.

dariax@hotmail.co.uk

0039 3281769818